Comfort for the journey

🤍You are not alone

Take a slow breath. You don’t have to read all of this today.

Whether you are still waiting for a baby, or missing one, your heart matters here. There is no right way to feel. There is no timeline.

I’m Audra. My husband and I walked through infertility, and on March 4, 2024, we lost our baby to miscarriage. I made this guide so you have a soft place to start.

We’re not doctors, counselors or mental-health professionals. This guide shares comfort and ideas from our own story. It isn’t medical or mental-health advice. Please talk with your doctor about your own health. If you’re in danger, call 911 or 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988).

🌱Still waiting for a baby

Waiting can feel lonely. Each month can bring hope, then hurt.

• Your feelings are real. Sadness, anger and jealousy are human. They don’t make you a bad friend or a weak believer.
• Choose your yes. You can skip a baby shower. You can send a gift and a kind note instead.
• Have a short answer ready. For “When are you having kids?” try: “We’d love that. Please pray for us.”
• Ask your doctor your questions. Write them down before each visit. Bring someone with you if it helps.
• Rest between hard days. A walk, a nap, a worship song, an early night.

Read more: I’m facing infertility

Printable, yours to keep: Hope for the Waiting (PDF)

🕊️The first days after a loss

The first days can feel like a fog. Be gentle with yourself.

• Only do the next small thing. Drink water. Eat something. Sleep when you can.
• Let people help. Say yes to a meal, a ride, or someone to sit with you.
• Follow your care team’s advice. Call your doctor or OB if something feels wrong in your body.
• Name your baby, if you’d like. Some families do. Some don’t. Both are okay.
• Keep what you have. An ultrasound photo, a card, a blanket. You can decide later what to do with them.
• Your body and your heart both need time. Healing is not a race.

Read more: Healing while my baby shines in Heaven

Printable, yours to keep: Healing While My Baby Shines in Heaven (PDF)

💬Talking with family and friends

People who love you often don’t know what to say. You can help them help you.

What often helps

• “I’m so sorry.”
• “I’m thinking of you and your baby.”
• Saying the baby’s name, if there is one.
• A meal, a text, or a card on a hard date.
• Just listening.

What can hurt, even when it’s meant kindly

• “At least…” (at least it was early, at least you can try again)
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Just relax and it will happen.”

If you are the one grieving

• It’s okay to tell people what you need.
• It’s okay to say, “I can’t talk about it today.”

For friends and family: For families & friends

Printable, yours to keep: Friends & Family Guide (PDF)

👨‍👩‍👧Caring for dads and grandparents

Dads grieve too.

• People often ask dads, “How is she?” Ask him, “How are you?”
• Many dads feel they must stay strong. Give them room to be sad.
• Dads may grieve in quiet ways: working, fixing things, staying busy.

Grandparents grieve twice.

• They miss their grandbaby.
• They hurt watching their own child hurt.
• A grandma or grandpa may need someone to ask about them too.

For everyone

• Grief looks different in each person. Try not to compare.
• Check in again after a few weeks. That’s when the cards often stop.

🕯️Holidays and hard dates

Grief doesn’t follow a calendar. Holidays, due dates and anniversaries can be very hard. Our baby’s due date fell around the holidays, so I know this one well.

• Plan ahead a little. Decide which events you’ll go to. Have a way to leave early.
• Make room for your baby. Light a candle, hang an ornament, or say a prayer.
• Tell one person. Let a friend know a hard date is coming.
• It’s okay to change traditions. This year can look different.

Light a candle for your little one in our Remembrance Sky.

⛪Church and community support

You don’t have to carry this by yourself.

• Share a prayer request on our Prayer wall, or pray for another family.
• Tell your pastor or a trusted friend at church. Many want to help but don’t know you are hurting.
• Find a group. Christian loss and infertility groups can help you feel less alone. See Find support.
• Church leaders: see For churches and the printable Church Packet (PDF).

Thinking about another baby? Printable, yours to keep: When You Long for Another Child (PDF)

💛You are held

Your baby is loved. Your waiting is seen. Your tears matter to God.

Come back to this guide any time you need it.

With love,

Audra

Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com